I couldn't wait to post this, until last night.
Friday night was my weekly "cheat night" that I save my extra points for. I'm learning that doesn't mean I have to go crazy and make awful decisions though. I still need to apply everything I've learned so far. We made spaghetti and salad, and of course there was a Muddy's cupcake. Now I know you've never had my mother's spaghetti recipe, so take my word for it... it's pretty much blaspheme to leave any on your plate. In 24 (almost 25!!) years, I can't recall a single time I've had her spaghetti and NOT felt almost uncomfortably full afterwards, which is one reason we don't make it often anymore.
Not this time though! I had a very small serving of it, and still didn't finish it. Because I wasn't that hungry. I didn't even realize what I'd done until my husband pointed it out. I was so proud of myself! I still had a cupcake before we left for the Haunted Corn Maze, and still didn't feel full. I felt like I'd finally overcome an obstacle that I hadn't really realized was there.
But then I got cocky.
Chris has been grounded from all TV, video games, and the computer over fall break from school. You just don't let a child with ADHD get bored. Ever. So I planned out a few things for us to do together to keep him occupied (and hopefully so entertained he didn't even ask about games) including having my mom and brother over for dinner Saturday, and letting Chris help cook for them. He wasn't too interested in helping with chicken spaghetti, but he did want to make a dessert. I, thinking I could handle this after winning the battle with spaghetti, decided we would make a Halloween cake A) because it would take a lot longer and therefore keep him occupied longer, B) we both love all things Halloween, and C) the budding cook in me just wanted to try it AND find something he had so much fun cooking he would love getting in the kitchen again.
All great, innocent reasons, yes? And I was right. It took a lot longer to do, and he had a blast. He already told me he wants to help cook more this weekend. I pretty much let him do the entire cake by himself, only helping with the frosting and applying the decorations. He cracked eggs, mixed, all of it. And our guests thought the cake was just too cute.
And I still didn't overeat, at all. Not during dinner, not with my one small piece of cake. I resisted the urge to even snack on the reese's pieces while making the cake. Our guests left, and I was so proud of myself.
And then Chris' ADHD medicine started wearing off, so he got hungry. He didn't want leftover chicken spaghetti, or watermelon, or apples. And unfortunately, until he puts some more weight back on (he's very underweight for his age) his pediatrician advised we not worry about nutrition for now, just getting as many calories into him as he'll eat. He asked for chicken nuggets, and ate 10. Then he asked for his cake he refused to eat before, and finished it. Then he asked for pizza rolls. I cooked half of a small bag of them, hoping this would fill him up. And it did.. after eating only 3. He'd already had his bath, so we brushed his teeth and I got him tucked in. And those pizza rolls were still there, still hot.
And that's when I caved, and undid all my hard work. I ate every single one of them. Not because I was hungry, and not because I just love pizza rolls, for no reason at all. I binged and I felt so awful afterwards because I'd felt like I'd overcome this, and I think I sabotaged myself. Why? I still haven't figured that part out yet. But it was definitely a reminder that no matter how many good days I have,or how much weight I lose, making good choices may always require effort on my part.
I'm also a compulsive weigher, trying to break that habit, so I did weigh this morning to see how much damage I'd done. And I'd lost 1 lb. My friend's theory is that my body may have needed the excess calories to keep it from holding onto everything (which is what causes plateaus). I'm happy about the loss, but I still need to make better choices in the future.