Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year, and a TMI

Quickly, before I get distracted... Stupid ADD.

It's New Years Eve, we have no real plans aside from the Steph coming over later since her husband may or may not be leaving her alone with their son tonight to go to a party. Mhm, you read that right. I don't like knowing friends or family are alone on holidays, so we're whisking her away. She wants "party food" and Mr. D is on the same page with her and has requested wings. I'll budget them in, and have fruits and veggies for me to munch on as well. There WILL be room on my $&*%!@* table. We'll be playing Kinect a lot, so yay for some sweat time!

Actually, the reason for the quick post was to A) tell you the 2 lbs I saw earlier this week have left the building. They didn't take any extra with them, but at least they're gone. And B) I'm about to head to the gym for the first time in weeks, because of the leg injury and this stupid cold/cough I can't seem to kick completely. My legs STILL ache from 2 days ago, but they're loose enough that I'm not waddling like a penguin... as much. So, I'll try my luck with the elliptical. Hopefully I won't get kicked out for coughing on the machines. (Can they do that???) Anyway, I've told you guys I'm going, so now I have to.

And.. TMI comment of the week: It has been ON at my house with Mr. D! For the first time since July, I feel like a newlywed. I don't even care that my thighs and butt are still a big ball of hurt from all the crazy lunges and squats. He thinks I'm trying to kill him, and my attitude is at least we'll die happy :-D I wouldn't be shocked if that's what kicked the 2 lbs back off. Heh.

Happy New Year everyone!!!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Resolutions? Eh.

I know, I still have that Christmas post to work on, but that's being put on hold until I have more time this weekend. Or, IF I have more time this weekend. Calories have been great this week, all under 1200, exceeding the max water levels, 30 minutes on the treadmill (before I started coughing), and at least a good hour or more playing all the new games on the Kinect. My favorites so far are My Shape and Dance Central. And so help me, if anyone says My Shape is not exercise, I will kick you as soon as my thighs and butt stop aching :-P I like the game so far (it definitely is a good workout) but I still have a lot to explore.

And my scale said I was UP 2 lbs from Sunday this morning. There's no way that's even possible, but I double checked. And triple checked. I'm trying not to let it bother me yet, it could just be water retention, but from what? If it's not gone soon, I may start posting my food intake- maybe someone else can see something I'm missing because there's no way I've got 2 lbs of phlegm and lactic acid, you know? Oy. A coworker gave me magic hippie tea today that helped with the phlegm some. Mint, menthol, other leafy stuff.. you know... magic hippie tea. ;-)

On to why I'm putting off my to-do list to post tonight.. New Year's Eve is Friday, and everyone will be making their resolutions. Many won't see the beginning of February, mine never did. I've spent the last several days thinking about my 2o11 resolutions. Here's what I've got so far:


Why? Go back- my resolutions in the past have never even seen February, remember?! Like the phrase says, continuing to do the same thing expecting different results is insane. This year is different. This year, I am different. You'll find no resolutions here. Instead, I'm making plans to stay consistent with the habits I've developed over 2010, and build on them.

Eating healthier? Check. To build on this, I'll be eating "cleaner" as much as I can with 2 boys in the house. More to come on this later.

Exercising regularly? Check (until the last 2-3 weeks due to injury and head/chest cold). To build on this, not quite sure what I'm doing yet. For now, I've got to work on just getting back into it while still getting what's left of the crud out of my chest. Working out isn't really working out with all the coughing that starts up.. I'll get there though.

Sleeping, vitamins, etc? Check-- sorta! Obviously there's more to health than just losing weight. Sleep is one area I struggle with. I won't let Dr. H give me sleep Rx, it's melatonin when I get desperate, but mostly I just need to make myself get in bed at a decent hour. I take forever to fall asleep, so I need to plan ahead and give myself extra time. Also, I did upgrade from my gummy vitamins to big-girl vitamins this week! Don't laugh, adult vitamins have always made me nauseated (see? I'm sensitive to all these pills!), so it was flintstones or gummies for me. I've started taking them right before bed though, and that seems to help a lot.

I'm not setting a deadline for hitting goal this year. Even setting the "199 by 2011" goal has been counterproductive the closer we get to the New Year. As I did the one time I got close to breaking it a few years ago, I freaked out. Despite what I said, I got too anxious when I saw how close I was, and started obsessing over every bite I took. Not productive, not for me at least. It's completely worked against me and taken the focus off the work, which is essentially why I had to drop out of most of the challenges. I was too focused on the end goal rather than the work I needed to do to get there.. if that makes sense.

Another area I really want to work on is handling my frustrations better (I stole this one from Lanie!). I try to avoid the drama, be it family or blogland (and there's been so much lately!). I read what I want, I comment if I feel like I have something helpful to add or if I just want a blogger buddy to know that I care, and I stay out of all the wars. I'm trying to control my moods without medicinal assistance right now, and some days, it's a struggle. I have a ridiculous fear of becoming one of those people that takes a dozen pills daily, most of them to counter the side effects caused by 1-2 pills. My mom's one of those people (not sure how many she's on now) that started off needing blood pressure medicine and Zoloft. Then it was Ambien to combat insomnia from Zoloft. Now she's on at least 6 that I know about. Right now, I'm on birth control and nothing else. I quit the Buspar, we'll see how much trouble I am in for that next week.. I just don't want to become reliant on pills unless it truly is necessary. If I can get the same mood stabilizers from exercise, that's what I'm aiming for.

On another note, I started reading Jackie Warner's book to get ready for Phase 4, and I thought there was a lot of great info in there, although I think the 2 "treat meals" is a lot! Not so much apparently, Allan said it's really just a plan with her name on it. Well, damn. So much for getting ahead, eh? I really did like the cleaner eating stuff, and that it pushes such low sugar (no white anything too), which is what made me want to try the cleaner eating stuff. I'm still reading through the exercise section, and the circuits look scary! I'd recommend the book, but since the diet is apparently just stuff with her name on it, and the Phase 4 packets will surely have the exercises in it, really no point I guess. If you have a Nook, I'll lend it to you though :-D

Time to go take advantage of Mr. D!

Sunday, December 26, 2010


I dreaded getting up this morning and facing the scale. I really did. Christmas Eve and Day were my own personal Crucible I guess. I sent my number to Allan this morning, I lost 1.2 for the week (putting me at 205.8). I'm trying to be happy that it was a loss, given that I've never even maintained over Christmas before, but I'm not. That should have been a bigger loss, but it wasn't because I was a moron. It could have been a lot worse, but I made shitty choices at the Christmas Eve dinner, and Christmas Day. It started when I was told there was no room on the table for the fruit tray I brought, and then lectured by my mother because I was making the whole food-fest less enjoyable for everyone else, especially my aunt, with all my healthy crap. She followed it with, "But I'm really proud of what you've done so far," so I guess she thought it was okay? I'm not sure what I did to make it "less enjoyable" for the others.. I never pulled my phone out to track calories, I never so much as uttered the word calories once we were at mom's aside from responding to her comments about not counting them.. I went in with the intention of having one plate, and enjoying the holiday while making choices that I could still be happy about in the morning, even if those choices included a few hot wings.

You know what they say about good intentions, right? Christmas Eve wasn't a disaster at all, though I still left feeling guilty about my choices. Which led to much worse decisions Christmas Day. I weighed in this morning, seeing such a small loss, and that all too familiar sense of failure and guilt started festering. There will be no shitty choices tomorrow, or the next day, regardless. I refuse to fall back into that vicious cycle of eating-guilt-more eating-more guilt. I still can't shake that sense of failure, even after seeing a loss (because I KNOW it would have been more), but I won't let it dictate my choices for another day.

Oh, and my mom lost 9 lbs this week. Wish I could be a little more thrilled for her, but I'm just not feeling it right now! I really can't, and wouldn't, blame her for my bad food choices. Mostly I'm just pissed that I let her get to me. I should know better by now.

I promise a happier Christmas recap post later, just had to get this post out of the way before I let me talk myself out of writing it. Accountability starts with ourselves after all.

Edited to add: I'm ridiculously behind on all my blog-reading!! I'm making the rounds, but just can't comment on everything, so-- I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, if you stuck to plan- congrats, and if not- get back to it right now with me, don't wait for 2011!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas!

Just a quickie..

Tonight is the Christmas Eve PJ Party, and I'm nervous! There will be wings, buffalo chicken dip, sausage casserole, meatballs, smokey's.. and those are just the things that ARE going to be a huge temptation. Wearing my XL Christmas PJ's will be a good reminder though. There's going to be a Michael Jackson Wii game dance-off, but not sure I'll be able to participate since I start coughing my lungs up the second I move around a lot. At least this junk is finally starting to come up though.. I'm trying to be a half-full person today!

Last night was cookie-baking, gingerbread-house making, and tent-building at the Steph's house. The boys (my son and my 12-year-old cousin) had fun. I had a slice of pizza, but it was worked into my calories for the day. I still felt guilty at first, but let it go. I've been strict all week long with calories AND where they came from, so that one slice of pizza will not affect my scale. It wasn't a "reward," just ran into one of those real-life scenarios when not everything around you is a healthy option. No cookies for me, even though my son really pushed. I told him we had to save them for Santa, and he completely agreed!

For Christmas Day, we usually have a traditional dinner much like Thanksgiving. I handled turkey so well that I wasn't at all worried about Saturday.. but then my mother called last night and said that was cancelled. Instead, they all want to go to Panda. That's right, the dreaded Chinese Buffet. Instant death by sodium. I said I really couldn't eat there, and then I was Scrooge. I tried the "money's tighter right now because of Christmas" thing, and they said they were paying anyway. Drat. There is almost nothing at this place that isn't at least soaked in sauce- even the asparagus. I can't count calories as the place has no website, so I'll have to guesstimate using PF Chang. I'm going to drown myself with water, and do the best I can with my options. One plate, half veggies- that worked pretty awesome last time.

Time to start all the baking. I'll have pictures this weekend sometime. Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas! Enjoy your loved ones- not the cookies!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Bring it.

The potluck today was a food-fest.. There was chicken spaghetti, breakfast casserole, on the border dip, shrimp dip, smokey's, and more desserts than I could count- including a sundae bar type deal. As planned, I stuck to my one bowl of the taco soup I brought, a few pieces of cantaloupe and pineapple, and the skinny cow bar I brought. As the afternoon wore on, I kept getting up and walking by the food.. I won't deny being tempted, I absolutely was. In the end, it wasn't worth it though. Especially after seeing my scale inch down a little this morning (yes, I peeked). I've got batch 2 of the strawberry bread in the oven, crunchy peanut butter balls and cookies waiting to be finished, and honestly not tempted. I guess all the baking has a slight numbing effect?

I brought up the Biggest Loser competition today after lunch, and it was met with some enthusiasm. I say some, because it took a minute before I even got a response from anyone. One of the coworkers, THE coworker that irks me like few can, said she was going to give me a run for my money. Bring it, granny. This is the same woman that compared me to herself a few weeks ago, and announced that I, like her, had major issues with moderation and THAT is why I turn down the "just one" all the time. Couldn't possibly be because I just don't want to waste my limited calories on junk. She also proceeded to lecture me yesterday about not mentioning calories, or points, or whatever all day because no one wanted to hear it.. Competing against her is going to be wonderful motivation. Sorry.. where was I? Right, helping the coworkers lose weight!! I honestly do hope to see ALL of them succeed with it, and if someone beats me (even her), I'll be obnoxiously happy for them. Honest. I started to say it's not a contest, but it is. Thankfully, I have Al and Phase 4 on my side! I have to work out all the details this weekend, and we'll start January 3. I'm a little scared though.. they were actually talking about stuffing their faces to gain as much as possible over the holidays so it would give them an advantage in the contest. More to lose, I suppose. Oy.

Annnndddd retard update: While getting dressed this morning, I decided to be less Scrooge-like today for the potluck. I dug out my penguin top, and the only pair of black slacks I haven't given away yet... and the slacks were too big. Falling off my hips, too big. I dug out 2 skirts.. too big. Then a pair of black jeans (we aren't supposed to wear jeans, but they were dark and don't LOOK like jeans..) and they were too tight. WTF. And they were 18s, same size as the pair I was strutting about a week ago. I know, different brands vary with their sizes, but I wasn't all that logical this morning. So I was very frustrated when I couldn't even button them, and may have gotten a little choked up. I really am thrilled that most of my clothes are too big, it was just a little frustrating while trying to get dressed this morning. And of course, my Secret Santa at work gave me a gift card to a clothing store that had a note in it, "To fill in the wardrobe until you get to goal!" I love Joy. Even if she did bring a sundae buffet today. It was nice knowing that not everyone in the office is waiting to see me fall on my face. Some of them really are supportive and want to see me succeed. Hopefully the contest will build a more supportive group for all of us.

That's all I got.. husband is on the way home, and I plan on burning some extra calories!! If you haven't read it yet, check THIS out. But pee first. Just sayin'.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Apparently I'm Still a Bit Obnoxious From Steroids

I apologize, steroids and ADD don't mix so well I suppose.

First, my bra broke this week. My ONLY white one that still fit.. So I had to replace it yesterday. And OMG, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE BRA I WEAR NOW?!? I approached the dressing room attendant with 6-7 bras, in sizes ranging from 38D to 42DD (I was a 44DD pre-diet). She looked at me like I was nuts, so I felt compelled to explain that I was so lost and confused and OMG, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE I WEAR NOW! This is serious lady, just give me a room number!

I swear I felt like Goldilocks.. too tight, too big, too loose, too tight creating spillage. And then the heavens parted, and I tried on the 38DD and it fit!! I haven't worn that since before my son was born so this was a big deal to me. And apparently, almost a big deal to husband too. I told him I dropped to a 38DD, and he (in a semi-sleep induced coma) got a little anxious until I reassured him that I was smaller around, but my cup hasn't changed. I've been rubbing and framing my boobs all over the office all day. "Look at my 38's!!!"

I also begged the nurse for a sinus cocktail shot today before lunch. This particular nurse is anti-shots, so I was extra pathetic and won that battle. And then the steroids kicked in, and I was obnoxious the rest of the day. Couldn't sit still, couldn't shut up- obnoxious. I also g0t really anxious and tense, and my heart rate sped up quite a bit.. so BFF nixed my workout idea. Several coworkers are planning to hijack my chart and put a BIG note in there saying I'm not allowed to have them anymore ;) But I can breathe!! It's still a success in my book.

While I was still obnoxiously chatty (and IDK why they're complaining because USUALLY they're complaining because I'm too quiet.. Yeah, that only happens at work because I loathe most of them), I told them about this idea I had.. At my old office, we did a Biggest Loser Challenge. Almost everyone dropped out before it got interesting, but I was hoping I could talk new office into it since almost all of us really need to drop some significant weight. BFF was game, boss lady was game, and I think the others I told were too, but I was forbidden to bring it up until at least Thursday since tomorrow is our potluck. Their reasoning was that it's going to make them all feel bad to hear about it right after eating. Well, yeah. I was planning on telling them BEFORE pigging out, in hopes it would curtail some of it, but they don't want that either because then they won't enjoy it so much. I really want to see some of them getting healthier, even the one I don't like. Waiting a little longer to tell them won't kill me, or them I guess.

Right about then, I realized how frustrating trying to pay it forward (BL 10's theme) may be with this group. Oy vey. I'm still going to do it, and hope for the best. I'll let you know how well it's accepted after I go over it with them.

Speaking of Challenges.. I've all but resigned from DecGTD. Not on purpose, but between pulled muscles, and this cold from hell, I'm so far behind it's ridiculous. And the farther behind I fall on my goal, the more frustrated I get with it. I'm not quitting, I'm prioritizing. Sounds crazy since I just mentioned starting a challenge at work, but I don't really have to do anything extra for that really. Allan's SSDDDC Challenge is my priority, and I feel like trying to keep up with too many of these challenges is actually hindering me in a way. Between the Hot 100, SSDDDC, DecGTD, trying to work in C25K, and the weekly ones I've tried to do for Suzy, and all my family drama right now, I'm overwhelmed. It feels weird saying that since they're all tools to reach the same goal, but I'm crazy anal about meeting deadlines. When I look in my agenda and see that I should be at 40 miles this Friday for DecGTD, I get anxious. Much like I do when I see that January 1st is coming up, and I have 7 lbs to go to break 200.

My type A personality does not like to fail, so I'm removing these "deadlines" and focusing on the journey there instead, and Allan's Challenge is what I'll use to get me there. Like I said, I'm not quitting, I'm not taking a break, I'm just removing all the anxiety these deadlines create for me.. and it's more for my psychological benefit than anything else.

Tomorrow is my office potluck- and other than my Taco Soup, it will all be junk. Looking forward to enjoying some soup and nothing else (unless I get around to making those HG cupcakes tonight). Time to start cooking with my baby boy!!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Sunday Weigh-in and Strawberry Bread

Let's get this part over with.. I sent my weigh-in to Allan this morning, and it was a gain. I was 0.2 lbs up to 207. The numbers are rounded for SSDDDC, so it really won't show a difference there. Either way, I'm frustrated. It's the first time I haven't seen a loss since I joined Phase 2 in early November. I went over my calories one day- by 90- and I more than made up for that with the deficits I had the rest of the week. I exceeded my max water levels everyday other than Saturday, and I was still over the minimum. The only contributing factors I'm aware of are my TOM, the lack of exercise, maybe sleeping issues? Oh well. I'm doing my best to just let it go, and do my best with the time I have left of December.

I don't expect to have much time for blogging this week, it's going to be a busy one, which I'm sure is true for a lot of people. My aunt (the one with the lap band) and cousin will be here Tuesday. Chris will be spending the night with his dad and step-mom Wednesday, Thursday we are having a small thing with Steph involving Christmas movies and cookie-baking (none for me), Friday is the Christmas Eve Pajama Party at my parent's house, and Saturday is Christmas.

Christmas Eve in PJ's started Christmas 2008 because Mammaw's COPD was getting so bad she couldn't even get dressed without a huge struggle. Mammaw was one of those women that got dressed every single day, before 9am, before she got sick. I know, she was weird. So not being able to get all dressed up for Christmas Eve was a huge deal to her, and she had decided she'd just stay in her room the whole night. My family is nothing if not annoyingly persistent, so we all decided we would wear our pajama's for the annual Christmas Eve party so she wouldn't feel out of place. All our family and friends showed up in Christmas pj's, and we all had a blast. Mammaw was taken to the hospital Christmas day, but she and Pappaw enjoyed the last one thoroughly. Pappaw passed away in April, right after being admitted for physical therapy 2 days prior with the full approval of his PCP and all his specialists (we didn't sue, but God we should have..). We had 5 family members pass within 10 months that year, 3 of which were my grandparents. It's pretty bad when the funeral home recognizes you.

Mammaw in her PJ's Christmas Eve 2008
Chris and my dad rocking out.
Christmas Eve 2009 kept the pajama theme but little else. It was significantly smaller (family only this year) and we didn't decorate a bit- mom didn't even put up a tree. Everyone was struggling through the first Christmas without Mammaw and Pappaw, and we all had a hard time getting in the spirit. Mom almost cancelled the whole thing, but decided against it last minute because my Mammaw would have been pissed :)

My cousin AJ, Chris, Mom, and nephew Nick Christmas Eve 2009
Making Rangoons with the family.
This year has been a lot easier so far, though I still miss them like crazy. I think I got most of it out of my system today. Mom called to let me know what she needed me to bring Christmas Eve (some of which I'm going to "forget" being that it's loaded with fat and calories), and I just lost it. One of the things she mentioned was the strawberry bread, and she added her usual "and don't make it healthy crap," comment. I cried until I started hiccuping, because I'd just told myself I wouldn't change her recipe yesterday. I felt guilty for even considering changing a recipe that had taken Mammaw so much effort (breathing wise) to teach me. No one else in my family knows how to make it, let alone has been taught by her specifically. Obviously I'd give them the recipe if they ever asked, and it's written down in our family recipe book so it can be easily passed along should anything happen to me before I'm able to teach someone.

I'm sorry I've been such a downer lately.. I swear I thought I was past this. Does that happen to anyone else? You think you're used to someone being gone, still miss them, but can remember them without getting all snot-faced.. and then wham- it hits you out of the blue? It still happens when I think about the circumstances around Pappaw's death, but I thought I was okay with Mammaw so this has really caught me off guard. I'm telling myself this is the last time I get all snot-faced about it this week.. I want to spend Christmas remembering her, not mourning her.

Strawberry bread batches start tomorrow, and I promise no more snot-faced posts this week. :)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Christmas Craziness

Tomorrow is weigh in, and I have to get some of this off my chest tonight. Not that I really expect it to help any.. Honest. It's late, I'm exhausted, and my mood is yucky. I'll do my best to make sense, but I guarantee nothing.

My next appointment with Dr. H is January 3. We're supposed to reevaluate how I'm doing on the medicine that I stopped taking (end of Sept or early Oct?). She's probably going to yell at me, but I'm hoping that the weight loss will distract her at least a little. Zoloft didn't really work, because between the insomnia and the weight gain, I was almost more depressed. Then we moved to Buspar, which is actually for anxiety, not depression. She thought the side effects would be easier since it's what she gives her teen patients. This looks like a good time to mention what a light-weight I am when it comes to pills. The teen medicine gave me nasty dizzy spells, and I was supposed to take it twice daily. I called in for that reason, and the nurse asked how well it was working- which was a "meh" so I was told to start 3 doses daily. That's just too much dizziness for me, folks. It interfered with driving, work, exercising, etc. So I quit. Between the exercise and better diet, I was feeling better.

Except that I'm not now. I admit there's a whole lot of PMS involved here too, which obviously makes things worse. It's the hardest week every month to keep my mood in check. I know that's true of most women still being visited by Aunt Flo, but I would guess that anyone else that's lived with depression or anxiety knows what I mean. Yes, there's the normal irritability, but it doesn't stop there. It takes a herculean effort not to scream or cry at the most ridiculous things, and a lot to calm myself down. Today for example.. I sliced my finger open while washing dishes. Not deep enough to warrant an ER visit and pay my deductible, but close. Husband is cranky lately too (which doesn't help), and was irritated that he had to finish the dishes at first.. it led to quite a bit of bickering. Physically, I had myself under control. Mentally, I was screaming and wanted nothing more than to lock myself in the bedroom and cry.

Christmas coming up is not helping. I have 2 brothers, both younger. Daniel is the youngest, and I love him to pieces. He struggled through 5 years of high school and still didn't finish. Drugs were part of the problem, but he's been clean for about a year now. In that time, he's gotten his GED and was accepted to start this Spring at the U of M, with scholarships. He's getting his life on track and is happier than I've ever seen him. My other brother, Jeff, I loathe. Aside from being a pathological liar (about EVERYTHING, even the most insignificant details of his day), and tormenting Daniel and I growing up, I'm pretty sure he's a sociopath or has some kind of God complex. He went into the Marines right after high school, married a stripper he knew for 2 weeks his first year in. Divorced her, and then moved a girl we went to high school to base with him against the advice of everyone he knew. It was pretty obvious to all outsiders that her plan was to get pregnant, get married, and then live happily ever after as a SAHM with a military paycheck. That's exactly what happened minus the marriage, btw. Now they have an 18-month-old son (we think, as she's cheated on him 5 times that we KNOW of) and are splitting up, again, because she's bored and screwing a married man with 3 kids. This is after she came to my mother in July and told her she was cheating on Jeff then, but wasn't leaving him until she had her own car and was better financially. Seriously, I couldn't make this shit up.

Jeff hasn't had much to do with the rest of the family (much to my delight) in the past several months because we refused to have anything to do with his girlfriend after the whole "I'm cheating on your son/brother, but don't tell him because I'm going to use him until I can support myself." Obviously we informed him, and he chose to stay with her and cut himself off from us since we made it clear that none of us were going to continue helping him financially as long as he was supporting her (she's worked a total of 3 months, maybe, in the 2 years they've been together). Once he realized he could no longer use anyone, he was done with us. Now that she's leaving him, he wants to move back in with my mom and will be present at Christmas this year. Since Jeff made Christmas 2008 pretty miserable, I think it's safe to say I'm not the only one dreading this. Our grandmother was taken to the hospital Christmas day, and passed 5 days later from complications of COPD. During that time, Jeff decides to have my mother's home searched for drugs at midnight.. scaring the shit out of my son and my nephew, and then telling them the police will be taking them away. My mom comes home from the hospital to deal with it, and by the time the police leave (nothing was in the house obviously) and she makes it back to the hospital, Mammaw's not recognizing anyone. The kicker? He did it because the kids were watching a movie (I was doing whatever to keep them calm) so he couldn't watch Tropic Thunder at the precise moment he wanted. Again, I couldn't make this shit up. Spending another Christmas with him is not something I'm looking forward to. At all. Especially since my brother is famous for pretending nothing is wrong, and I just don't roll that way. He's going to try his "I wuv you sissy" shit, and I'm going to break his face.

This will be the second Christmas without my Mammaw, and I miss her so much. It wasn't really Christmas until Mammaw made her strawberry bread and all her candies, and she always went nuts with it. She did it almost every holiday, but Christmas was her favorite. I spent the last year I had with her learning as many of her recipes as I could so that I could continue her tradition. All the baking and candy-making is actually calming because it feels like she's still here, still a part of Christmas. This year, I haven't made the first batch of peanut butter balls or strawberry bread because of my diet. I still plan to make some this week, but a lot less of it. I'd planned on substituting a lot of the ingredients for healthier versions, but I just can't. I'm making it the way she taught me, even if that means I won't be enjoying any of it.

Basically, my whole family is crazy. And I'll probably have to be medicated to get through this week. Buspar for everyone! I was really hoping typing all this out would make me feel better, but nope. Hopefully Debbie Downer is gone tomorrow, and it would be really awesome if she took the chest cold with her! :)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


Sanka: You mean winter, as in Eskimos and igloos and penguins and ICE?
Derice: Maybe.
Sanka: See ya.

Amen, Sanka. Amen.

Some of just aren't cut out for cold weather. Then, when some of us lose body fat that aided in insulation during past winters.. It's like a death sentence. I'm not at ALL exaggerating here, guys.

Imagine my excitement when I see this:

Freezing rain.. And that little red 1 next to Severe? It's warning me about all the ice they're expecting tomorrow morning. Even completely ignoring the SLOW COLD DEATH looming in my immediate future, some of us are also pretty uncoordinated. Like can't-walk-across-a-flat-surface-that-ISN'T-iced uncoordinated. So if the cold doesn't kill me fast enough, busting my head on the ice will surely finish me off. Or incapacitate me just enough to prevent my escape from a SLOW COLD DEATH.

On another note, there's junk that has slowly made it's way down into my chest since I've been at work. Nasty junk that makes it hurt to even consider coughing it up. Ew.

If work closes tomorrow (I live in Memphis- the whole place shuts down at the threat of ice), I may lounge and drink hot stuff in my fuzzy socks with Chris :)

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Monday, December 13, 2010

Today- Jeans. Tomorrow- The World.

Oh! I forgot..

You know those jeans? The size 18 regular ones that have been hanging in my closet? Taunting me?

My goal was to wear them Christmas day, comfortably, with my new XL sweater. Last year, I couldn't get the exact same jeans in a size larger over my thighs..

Yet here I am. In the jeans. With the sweater. Maybe even strutting a little.
Thanks Allan! Two pounds a week, consistently, and I'm rocking those jeans- finally.

A Weekend in Pictures? Sorta.

Where to begin..

Friday night was date night and Christmas shopping with husband. Dinner was at Genghis Grill, and my bowl (tons of veggies and chicken) was about 400 calories. I tried to get a picture of them setting the grill on fire.. but I suck, so no flames for you.
We were out shopping until after 1am, and still didn't finish! Walmart was our last stop since it's 24 hours, and as we're walking out, Mr. D notices that the McDonald's is still open. We're both starving since dinner was 7 hours ago and there's been tons of walking all over malls and stores the last several hours, so he stops in. I have a bottle of water, he gets the quarter pounder with fries (what used to be MY favorite) instead of his usual. We get home, and I grab a 100 calorie pack while the guy makes love to this burger.. or at least that's how it sounds. I really wanted to stab him in the eye right about then. No nookie that night.

Saturday started bright and early with Chris' dad's wedding to the girl we just met in October. Yes, really. He stopped by Thursday to drop off child support and to tell me they were 6-8 weeks pregnant, but it had nothing to do with them marrying so quickly. Katrina didn't want anyone knowing until after the wedding, so I appreciate him giving me, the other baby mamma, a heads up. They were married in this woman's living room, and only 6 of us were there- her mother, sister, and niece along with his sister, Chris, and me. And I'm the only one who thought to bring a camera. I came prepared, since you only get one chance at these pictures. Except they're having a bigger ceremony thing on June 11 next year. When she'll be very pregnant. After I played photographer and took every picture combo I could imagine, I was dragged to lunch with everyone where I realized she and her entire family (those that were there anyway) seemed to have been told a different version of Chris' early years.
We clean up nice, eh?

Just to recap: Found out I was pregnant day after my 17th birthday, he took off 2 weeks later. Showed up at my front door when Chris was 5 days old, took off again before he was 5 months old. After not seeing him for about 2 years, he started popping up once a year for a few weeks, and would then take off again. He's been around consistently for a year and a half now, and has been paying child support during that time (for the first time since Chris was born).

So saying he wasn't around for the first 6 years of his son's life is pretty fair and accurate. They don't seem to know about those absences though. I can't begin to tell you how difficult it was to keep my mouth shut when certain comments were made about his parenting skills, or how his new step-daughter's father was a deadbeat. Maybe I'm growing up a little, but I'm trying to let it go and move on. He's doing the best he can now, and I adore his new wife and her family. Bringing up the past is only going to reopen old wounds for both of us, and put Chris in the middle. It accomplishes nothing other than spreading around a lot of bad feelings.

Chris and I spent the little we had left of our Saturday along with most of Sunday just hanging out. We don't get a lot of time by ourselves to do just whatever because we're so busy running errands, cleaning, homework, etc. He declared Sunday "pajama day" so I wasn't allowed to get dressed, and we watched Polar Express 3 times while sipping hot chocolate and snuggling on the couch with Butch, the stuffed dog he totes everywhere.

And he wanted to take a picture of his tree, he decorated it himself :)
Despite all the talking, there was no sex all weekend long. It was mentioned after shopping- but he was too tired. No mention of it at all Saturday. He brought it up Sunday night, but that's as far as it went. I didn't get all excited like I would normally, because at this point, his word means jack to me in that department. Maybe it's having gone round and round on this issue for the last 6 months at least, or PMS, or the lack of sleep, or all of the above.. but it feels like a switch flipped this weekend. I don't care if we do anymore. I have an appointment January 3 to see how I'm doing with my medicine.. you know, the one I quit taking? The way my mood has steadily worsened the last few days, I'm willing to admit that I may need it. May.

So like I said in my quickie update earlier, the best part of my weekend was time with my baby boy and losing 2 lbs (I'm at 206.8!) this week. There's been NO gym time since last week, and I'm having trouble just making myself go. I'm exhausted, cranky, and can't seem to find my give-a-damn. I've stuck to my calories regardless, and I'm going to force myself to do something, even if it's just a DVD at home. Worse case scenario, I've got pills and refills left to get me through the next few weeks. December is still going to be a success for me, one way or another!

Sunday, December 12, 2010


I received an award from bd160 over at Dancing Towards Myself! If you don't follow her already, I highly recommend checking out her blog- she's fairly new (like me!) but I love her posts! Thank you again for the award!
Now for the difficult part.. passing on the award to only 5 other bloggers.

Phil at Couch Potato to 10K. Dude is one lean, mean, running machine! The man runs outside in snow and ice.. that's hardcore! We're both doing the DecGTD Challenge, and via Twitter, keep each other motivated (at least he does for me!).

Debbi at Debbi Does Dieting. This is one determined woman, guys! Despite being so busy constantly, she's committed to her health, and one of the most supportive bloggers I've seen on the Hot 100.

Pam at Plump Nonfiction. Her blog is so honest and real, I feel like I know her, you know? Especially after her recent post about the boys driving her nuts- been there, done that! She's so committed though, and such an inspiration!

Jaime at Jaime's Story. Love her! She's one bandster I would kill to introduce my aunt to.. my aunt had the lap band done a few years ago, and it's changed nothing. Jaime's doing it right and utilizing it as the tool it is, not relying on it to do the work for her. I have such respect and admiration for this woman!

Princess Dieter at Two Years to Happy Weight After. It's rare I can read one of her posts and not find myself laughing at something! I love her humor, she wished for multiple orgasms on my behalf, and loves eggs as much as me! I just started following her recently, and she's already one of my favorites! One day, I'm gonna teach her to poach eggs fo' sho.

I wish I could hand it out to everyone I follow- because if I'm following you- it's because you motivate, encourage, inspire, or brighten my day in some way. Otherwise, I'd delete you (just sayin'- I think I figured out how to do that, LOL). I couldn't ask for a more wonderful, supportive WL-oriented blogging community.

Sometimes we would do well to remember that's what we're all here for- to offer and seek out the support that many of us ONLY get here.

Just Popping In!

This weekend has been.. well, exhausting, for so many reasons. Much to write about, but no time as of right now. My baby boy is really into his Wizard 101 and in need of my computer :)

I've got almost 100 posts in my reader to catch up, so forgive me if I haven't stopped by yet- I'm working on it, promise!

The best part of mine so far has been time with my Chris, and another 2 lb loss. Hope everyone is enjoying what's left of their weekend!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Hot 100 Update, Week 11

I can't believe we only have 3 weeks left before 2011.. It's gone by way too fast! I hope everyone's doing well- we're in the home stretch now!

1. Goal 1: Seeing 199 on the scale before 2011. I changed my weigh-in day to Sunday, both fr Allan's SSDDDC challenge AND to keep me committed over Christmas. This past Sunday, the scale was 208.8 and has held steady during the week.

2. Goal 2: Working out 3 times a week. I made it, but just barely. Only 2 hours of gym time, and a little at home. Mondays workout resulted in what I'm pretty sure is a pulled muscle in my lower leg, so I didn't want to push the last few days. It's still tight, but no more pain when I'm on it. We'll be doing a lot of walking tonight while Christmas shopping, I'll see how it holds out.

3. Goal 3: In bed before 11 during the week. Only made it to bed before midnight once this week... Sleep has been awful once I'm in bed too. This whole week has just felt off between the limited exercise and sleep, and I think a lot of it may be related to stress- which is retarded, because I KNOW how much better I'd feel if I just did it. I'll get back in my groove this weekend.

Day 4 of Spawn, and I'm still loving it! Here are my calories so far:

Monday- 1122
Tuesday- 916
Wednesday- 1120
Thursday- 1095

Tonight is date night and Christmas shopping with the husband, and we're going to Genghis Grill for dinner. This place is quickly becoming my favorite place to dine out because I control everything in my bowl, and can even "build it" and check calories on the website before we go. Tonight, my whole bowl is going to be 400 calories. I've pretracked everything for the day, and it look like I'll be coming in at 1056 unless I add another snack.

On another note, breakfast was perfect this morning! I worked in all the food groups, even carbs, and felt full- not stuffed. One poached egg on half a light high-fiber English muffin toasted, with a smear of light butter, one orange, 8 oz light soy milk, coffee with fat free half and half, and 16 oz water. Perfect :)

We also made juicy lucy's for dinner last night- one of Chris' favorites. Look at that cheese oozing out!

Hope everyone else had a successful week- I'll be catching up on blogs when I can today!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Spawn: Day 2

Day 2 of SSDDDC has come and gone.. Water has been great, calories have been under 1200.

I made a change to my breakfast the last 2 mornings, and boy do I feel a difference. Since prior to Thanksgiving, I've been all about eggs- mostly omelets- and it's worked for me. In the packets Allan sent us though, I read that we should be striving to include a starch as well. Memphis has been freezing this week, so hot oatmeal sounded awesome. Tuesday morning I used whole grain oats, a diced up apple, some cinnamon, and 1/4 cup of sugar free maple syrup was 247 calories-- and so filling I couldn't finish it and skipped my morning snack. Today, I threw in a banana and 1 tbsp peanut butter-- again, too full to finish it and skipped the morning snack. I don't like how heavy it felt on my stomach so early in the morning, I felt a little sluggish (though admittedly, that may be lack of sleep too), and all things carb were so much more tempting the rest of the day. It didn't help that so much junk came through the office today either (pies, cakes, fried fish- you name it), but I did stay away from them. So what have we learned? Apparently I can't have carbs first thing in the morning! I'll start adding some fruit in with my eggs though.. I think that's a fair deal.

There's been no working out the last 2 days either, partially because that muscle in my lower leg is still sore, and partially because I just wasn't feeling it. Between the 12 hour day and the issues with Mr. D, I'm just drained. Tomorrow I'll be sucking it up either way and hitting the gym. No excuses.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Here goes..

We haven't even started Phase 3, and I feel like I'm already being tested.

I'm just going to put this out there.. I don't care that it's not WL related, though at the moment, I guess it is for me.

Hypothetically.. Option A- sex. Option B- a Patriot's game.

Hopefully you're with me, and voted A. Husband did not. And now he's snoring on the couch- skipping both.

I've barely even alluded to it before, but Mr. D and I have issues in that department, being that we are not at all well matched. I don't talk about it here because frankly, it's depressing and embarrassing. The Patriots game isn't even the most embarrassing thing I've lost to either (if you don't own an Xbox- good. Keep it that way). Some nights, I get angry and pour that into the gym. Other nights, like now, I want to eat myself numb.

I'm getting myself in the shower and into bed now before I can do anything I regret in the morning. Hopefully Debbie Downer will be gone by morning!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Sunday's Lazyday

Sunday has been kind of lazy around here today. Minimal cleaning, no errands to run, and Chris has been obsessed with his new computer game. Mr. D won't be home for about another hour and I'll be heading to the gym when he does. May start C25K W1D3 if knee has recovered enough from Friday night to handle it. If not, I'll still be putting a dent in my December GTD mileage on the elliptical.

And then it's the season finale for The Walking Dead :(

I don't usually post pictures of my food unless it's a new recipe or special occasion, but I did today. In my earlier post, I said 1200 calories was a lot of food when you make the right choices. Here's my proof:

Breakfast: 1/2 cup egg substitute, 1/4 cup green peppers, 2 slices reduced sodium turkey bacon, 1 oz fat-free cream cheese and coffee with 2 tbsp fat-free half and half. 167 calories
Lunch: Whole wheat sandwich round, 3 slices 98% fat-free turkey, 1 slice fat-free american cheese, mustard, 1 tbsp light miracle whip, lettuce, green pepper, and 1 whole dill pickle. 181 calories
Dinner: Hungry Girl's jambalaya (I used turkey sausage instead of the chicken sausage it calls for- and will leave it out next time honestly). It's mostly celery, onion, green pepper, tomatoes, and shrimp with some brown rice thrown in. 218 calories

My totals so far today are only 567 calories. I didn't finish dinner, and didn't snack at all today because of all the water (I'm only at 112 oz right now, but several hours to go and a gym date). This is quite a bit under my limit, but unintentionally. Usually, I hover at about 1000 most days. Add a banana/apple and a fiber bar in there (my normal snacks) and that still only brings it to 747 calories. Excited to see Allan's packet tomorrow though, I need some new ideas so I don't get bored!

Edited: Skipping gym tonight to spend some time with Mr. D instead- we've barely seen each other all weekend. Knee is still popping a little anyway, so I'd rather wait an extra day and KNOW I can do C25K. :)

Attacking December Head On

Oh, how I love Sundays! I weighed in this morning for Allan's Challenge, and can you believe my scale said 208.8?? That's 2.8 lbs down from Friday. I've lost a total of 41.2 so far, and can easily make it 50 before 2011. Starting today, I'll be changing my weigh-in day from Friday to Sunday. We have to weigh for the Challenge Sunday anyway, but more importantly- the day after Christmas is a Sunday. For Thanksgiving, my weekly weigh-in happened to fall on Friday, and knowing I had to face my scale the next day helped keep my eating in check. It worked so well for Thanksgiving that I'm moving my weigh-in for Christmas too.

For anyone that's wavering about joining Phase 3- just do it. It's no secret that I'll be doing the 1200 calorie plan (that's what I've been doing for most of November already) but that doesn't mean you have to limit yourself to 1200 too. Either plan is going to require planning ahead and choosing your foods wisely, which you should be doing on any diet in my experience. Princess Dieter posted several links here for 1200 calorie meal plans (some of them have higher calorie plans too) that have some great suggestions if you're still on the fence about whether you could/should do 1200 calories or an increased amount. Look at the plans- it's still a lot of food, there are still great choices, and a lot of variety. I'm not trying to push anyone into the 1200 calorie plan, just sharing that with anyone that's still on the fence. No matter what you decide, make a plan of attack for December.. Pick something, commit to it, and put it into action now.

I can't speak for anyone else, but December is traditionally a month in which I gain a lot. Not this year--December is going to be my bitch.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Bathroom Dancing and Green Croc Awesomeness.

I had the apartment completely to myself last night.. Chris was spending the night with his Mimi (my mom) and husband was working until 11. I feel pretty confident in saying most moms are going to be doing cartwheels at the thought of having several hours of peace and quiet to themselves. I actually get a little anxious. No one to cook for, no one to take care of, no one to keep me busy- and that can sometimes lead to binging in front of the tv for me, and I refuse to let that happen. My plan was to drop Chris off (and I may have stayed to play Michael Jackson again- my career as a backup dancer is looking slightly more promising..), swing by the library to pick up a new cookbook for ideas, then grab Subway for dinner since I had almost 600 calories left for the day- more than enough for a turkey on wheat piled high with veggies (no chips for me), hit the gym, and then grocery store. Apparently our library has started closing at 6 (seriously?) so no cookbook. I did stick to the rest of the plan though, and even included a nap in there.

Once I made it to the gym, it was about 10pm. I'd decided to be careful after my shower incident the other day.. Uncoordinated folks should never attempt to stretch in the shower, no matter how much better tight muscles feel with the hot water! I slipped, and the soap thing that protrudes from the shower wall smashed into my lower back leaving me bruised and so sore. I skipped working out Thursday because of it, but couldn't take 2 days in a row. Gym time was a must, but pushing too hard was not. Started with 2.5 miles on the elliptical in 35 minutes. The plan from there was just to get some walking done on the gym- C25K never crossed my mind. At least, not until I got started. Less than 2 minutes in, I opened the app on my phone and started Week 1 Day 2.

Maybe it was the lack of thunderstorms, or the absence of the hill of death, or just being on a treadmill instead of pavement, or the extra 25 seconds break between runs (probably all of the above)- but last night was a little easier than Day 1. It was still difficult obviously, but nothing compared to Day 1.. much less "I'm gonna die" thoughts! And my thighs and hips don't hurt anything like they did before. I wonder if part of it may have to do with pacing myself on the treadmill instead of going all out (admittedly "all out" for me really isn't that awesome) like I do outside. With all that being said, I think I'll stick to the treadmill for my C25K for a while and see how it goes.

Once I left the gym, I was starving! I kept reminding myself that it was not only after dinner, but after 11pm, thus making snacking not an option. Of course, right about then Mr. D calls and asks if I feel like picking him up anything. Although I'm getting a lot better at swinging through a drive-thru to get the boys something and not myself, doing it while I'm starving was just asking for trouble. So I explained that to him, and he said he'd just find something at home. I'm so thankful that he's become a lot more supportive the last 2 months or so. I still swung by the grocery store and got that done, then home and straight to bed. Sorta ;)

Last night's recap: 4.5 miles at the gym (chipping away at my Dec GTD Challenge), no snacking, and definitely no binging in front of the tv. I weighed this morning, like I do most mornings, and I was under 210. Um, what? It said I was down 2 lbs from yesterday to be exact! Obviously I can't count it until weigh-in day, but I still danced in that bathroom. I love my weekend weight so much better than weekday mornings.

For Allan's challenge, my weight was predicted to be between 203-208 on December 8. Just a few days left, but I'm doing everything I can to make that a reality. I'm signed up for Phase 3 already, and although I've been sticking to 1200 calories already, I'm excited to see the menu's. I'm not a huge fan of a lot of seafood so I may not use everything suggested, but anything I can take from them to help me meet my goal faster I'm so very thankful for!

Oh!! On another happy note, I ordered a momAgenda this week and it's already in Knoxville! These things are the best agendas that ever lived, and they make them for moms and non-moms alike. I buy an agenda every year, but it's wasted money because I never use them. There's not enough room to keep up with everything, so what's the point? These things have so much room, you can order pockets for the inside separately, and mine is green. What more could you ask for? I got mine at 25% off this week and it looks like the discount is still going if anyone is interested!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Hot 100 Update, Week 10

Just a real quick post before I head to work!

1. Goal 1: Seeing 199 on the scale before 2011. I lost only 1.2 this week, putting me at 211.6 so I'm fairly sure this goal won't happen. I'll be closer than I was before though, and I took my monthly pictures, and I think I see a difference..

2. Goal 2: Working out 3 times a week. Met this goal with 2.5 hours in the gym and W1D1 of C25K. Not as much as last week, but I was working around some pretty sore thighs and a back injury via stupidity in the shower.. I'll elaborate later.

3. Goal 3: In bed by 11 on work nights. I barely made it before 11 only twice this week. Will definitely make this more of a priority next week.

I admit being a little bummed about the weigh-in, I know I did more than 1.2 lbs this week. I exceeded my maximum water intake daily, stayed under 1200 calories, and still worked out 4 days this week before the shower incident. Weeks like this make me glad I started taking pictures. The first one is from 11/12/10 and the second is from today.

Do you see a difference?

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Misery Loves Company!

Disclaimer: STILL mad, can't be held accountable for swearing.

Let's start with something simple: What is the difference between an alcoholic and an obese individual? Here's what I came up with:

-Both experience denial about their issue.
-Both isolate themselves from friends/relationships.
-Both drink/eat in secret to hide just how much they're consuming.
-Both increase their risk of health issues immensely.
-Both use their addiction of choice as a means to deal with emotions.
-Both have negative self-image issues, perpetuated by their addiction.

Wait, weren't we discussing the differences between the two? The only difference I see is what their drug of choice is honestly. If you were to not only approve of, but mix and conceal a recovering alcoholic while they sneak a drink, that would make you a pretty shitty person. So someone, please, tell me why it is okay to email someone that is on a diet- and you're aware of it- and ask that person (who has already said no once) if they would like you to fetch them a piece of cake, and hide it at your desk so they can enjoy it without "the nazi" finding out?!?! How would that be any different from enabling (aiding and abetting sounds more accurate here to me) an alcoholic? Aha- now I see the difference.. Obesity is a much more acceptable form of addiction apparently.

This, the emailing thing, actually took place in my office yesterday. You've all heard me talk about my BFF before. We work together, we diet together, I love her. She's been struggling lately due to a combination of stress, too much on her plate, and being surrounded by people that would love to see her fail at this- primarily, our miserable, fellow fat coworkers. We work in a large medical office, so there's food catered every day (sometimes more than once) and most of it is junk. BFF and I bring our lunches daily because of it, and we eat later than everyone else to ensure the food is cold by then, and less tempting. Yesterday, there was cake as a dessert and BFF passed on it easily. We had our lunch, came back to the office, and then the food-pusher started in on her. First it was just, "Aren't you getting any cake? Can I fix you a plate?" BFF still said no thanks, and that's when the email was sent.

If you don't know already, I'm "The Nazi" she was offering to conceal cake from. Back in April, it was BFF that finally kicked my butt into gear. She stayed on top of me, making sure I wasn't cheating, motivating me, whatever it took. She was the mentally strong one then, and I jokingly caller her "The Weight Watcher Nazi." Trust me, it was a term of endearment. Recently, we've switched sides, and I'm now the Nazi. I stopped pushing the other coworker weeks ago, but never BFF. She pushed me when I needed it, so I owe it to her. The whole office knows we are getting healthier, they all know I'm the Nazi, and they all think we're doing a great job. Yet some of them still become food-pushers when certain foods pop up in the kitchen. They never do this to me anymore because it's a waste of time, but they KNOW she has been struggling and they STILL do it because they are obese and choosing to do nothing about it. It makes me want to hurt these miserable old women.

Thankfully, BFF and I choose not to be misery's company anymore. Don't let anyone sabotage you over the next 29 days!