Sunday, December 26, 2010

205.8

I dreaded getting up this morning and facing the scale. I really did. Christmas Eve and Day were my own personal Crucible I guess. I sent my number to Allan this morning, I lost 1.2 for the week (putting me at 205.8). I'm trying to be happy that it was a loss, given that I've never even maintained over Christmas before, but I'm not. That should have been a bigger loss, but it wasn't because I was a moron. It could have been a lot worse, but I made shitty choices at the Christmas Eve dinner, and Christmas Day. It started when I was told there was no room on the table for the fruit tray I brought, and then lectured by my mother because I was making the whole food-fest less enjoyable for everyone else, especially my aunt, with all my healthy crap. She followed it with, "But I'm really proud of what you've done so far," so I guess she thought it was okay? I'm not sure what I did to make it "less enjoyable" for the others.. I never pulled my phone out to track calories, I never so much as uttered the word calories once we were at mom's aside from responding to her comments about not counting them.. I went in with the intention of having one plate, and enjoying the holiday while making choices that I could still be happy about in the morning, even if those choices included a few hot wings.

You know what they say about good intentions, right? Christmas Eve wasn't a disaster at all, though I still left feeling guilty about my choices. Which led to much worse decisions Christmas Day. I weighed in this morning, seeing such a small loss, and that all too familiar sense of failure and guilt started festering. There will be no shitty choices tomorrow, or the next day, regardless. I refuse to fall back into that vicious cycle of eating-guilt-more eating-more guilt. I still can't shake that sense of failure, even after seeing a loss (because I KNOW it would have been more), but I won't let it dictate my choices for another day.

Oh, and my mom lost 9 lbs this week. Wish I could be a little more thrilled for her, but I'm just not feeling it right now! I really can't, and wouldn't, blame her for my bad food choices. Mostly I'm just pissed that I let her get to me. I should know better by now.

I promise a happier Christmas recap post later, just had to get this post out of the way before I let me talk myself out of writing it. Accountability starts with ourselves after all.

Edited to add: I'm ridiculously behind on all my blog-reading!! I'm making the rounds, but just can't comment on everything, so-- I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, if you stuck to plan- congrats, and if not- get back to it right now with me, don't wait for 2011!

7 comments:

  1. Make a resolve to make this week spot on! Don't screw up again. :-)

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  2. I'm sorry your mom's comment got to you -- I know how hard can be to shake that kind of thing off, though. :P

    But you did have a loss! I know it's not as much as you were looking forward to, but it really is an acomplishment, especially considering the holiday! And you're going to get right back on track and have a good week this week, and finish the year out strong! :)

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  3. In my opinion... no matter what, family should be behind you. My mom would of taken something crappy away off the table and made sure the fruit was there. Support is hard to come by sometimes.

    You are doing an incredible job. Try to be happy about the loss because you are going in the right direction. I had a 1.3 loss a few weeks ago... it wasn't the best weigh in but then the next week was 2.9 and then last week was 4!!! Keep up the good work. Your body will get rid of the weight. The worst thing right now is to be down about your weight loss. Keep moving forward.

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  4. I am so stinking sorry that you had to go through that. You are trying hard to do this and you should have your family's support.

    In the end though, you lost weight! In the face of that you could have had an emotional meltdown and just binged. But you didn't! I'm proud of you.

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  5. My mom is fiercely competitive, and I think now that she's decided to start trying to lose, she HAS to outdo me. It makes no sense, since I've tried encouraging her to start with me for months. Makes me so thankful I don't live with her anymore.. she used to bring home my favorite temptations when I would start dieting on purpose. Not a big shock that the first time I do this when I control my fridge, it works.

    Eating was pretty clean today, under my 1200 calories, and got 30 minutes in on the treadmill before I started coughing too much! Thank you guys for being so supportive!!!

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  6. I'm sorry you didn't have a very good experience- I think she should have made room on the table for your fruit, too. I say don't beat yourself up. You LOST during a holiday week!! That's something to be VERY proud of!

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  7. I'm so sorry you went through that. I agree with PN. Family should always have your back, no matter what. Want me to come whoop up on them for you? :) *Hugs* Congrats on that loss!

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