I dreaded getting up this morning and facing the scale. I really did. Christmas Eve and Day were my own personal Crucible I guess. I sent my number to Allan this morning, I lost 1.2 for the week (putting me at 205.8). I'm trying to be happy that it was a loss, given that I've never even maintained over Christmas before, but I'm not. That should have been a bigger loss, but it wasn't because I was a moron. It could have been a lot worse, but I made shitty choices at the Christmas Eve dinner, and Christmas Day. It started when I was told there was no room on the table for the fruit tray I brought, and then lectured by my mother because I was making the whole food-fest less enjoyable for everyone else, especially my aunt, with all my healthy crap. She followed it with, "But I'm really proud of what you've done so far," so I guess she thought it was okay? I'm not sure what I did to make it "less enjoyable" for the others.. I never pulled my phone out to track calories, I never so much as uttered the word calories once we were at mom's aside from responding to her comments about not counting them.. I went in with the intention of having one plate, and enjoying the holiday while making choices that I could still be happy about in the morning, even if those choices included a few hot wings.
You know what they say about good intentions, right? Christmas Eve wasn't a disaster at all, though I still left feeling guilty about my choices. Which led to much worse decisions Christmas Day. I weighed in this morning, seeing such a small loss, and that all too familiar sense of failure and guilt started festering. There will be no shitty choices tomorrow, or the next day, regardless. I refuse to fall back into that vicious cycle of eating-guilt-more eating-more guilt. I still can't shake that sense of failure, even after seeing a loss (because I KNOW it would have been more), but I won't let it dictate my choices for another day.
Oh, and my mom lost 9 lbs this week. Wish I could be a little more thrilled for her, but I'm just not feeling it right now! I really can't, and wouldn't, blame her for my bad food choices. Mostly I'm just pissed that I let her get to me. I should know better by now.
I promise a happier Christmas recap post later, just had to get this post out of the way before I let me talk myself out of writing it. Accountability starts with ourselves after all.
Edited to add: I'm ridiculously behind on all my blog-reading!! I'm making the rounds, but just can't comment on everything, so-- I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, if you stuck to plan- congrats, and if not- get back to it right now with me, don't wait for 2011!