My next appointment with Dr. H is January 3. We're supposed to reevaluate how I'm doing on the medicine that I stopped taking (end of Sept or early Oct?). She's probably going to yell at me, but I'm hoping that the weight loss will distract her at least a little. Zoloft didn't really work, because between the insomnia and the weight gain, I was almost more depressed. Then we moved to Buspar, which is actually for anxiety, not depression. She thought the side effects would be easier since it's what she gives her teen patients. This looks like a good time to mention what a light-weight I am when it comes to pills. The teen medicine gave me nasty dizzy spells, and I was supposed to take it twice daily. I called in for that reason, and the nurse asked how well it was working- which was a "meh" so I was told to start 3 doses daily. That's just too much dizziness for me, folks. It interfered with driving, work, exercising, etc. So I quit. Between the exercise and better diet, I was feeling better.
Except that I'm not now. I admit there's a whole lot of PMS involved here too, which obviously makes things worse. It's the hardest week every month to keep my mood in check. I know that's true of most women still being visited by Aunt Flo, but I would guess that anyone else that's lived with depression or anxiety knows what I mean. Yes, there's the normal irritability, but it doesn't stop there. It takes a herculean effort not to scream or cry at the most ridiculous things, and a lot to calm myself down. Today for example.. I sliced my finger open while washing dishes. Not deep enough to warrant an ER visit and pay my deductible, but close. Husband is cranky lately too (which doesn't help), and was irritated that he had to finish the dishes at first.. it led to quite a bit of bickering. Physically, I had myself under control. Mentally, I was screaming and wanted nothing more than to lock myself in the bedroom and cry.
Christmas coming up is not helping. I have 2 brothers, both younger. Daniel is the youngest, and I love him to pieces. He struggled through 5 years of high school and still didn't finish. Drugs were part of the problem, but he's been clean for about a year now. In that time, he's gotten his GED and was accepted to start this Spring at the U of M, with scholarships. He's getting his life on track and is happier than I've ever seen him. My other brother, Jeff, I loathe. Aside from being a pathological liar (about EVERYTHING, even the most insignificant details of his day), and tormenting Daniel and I growing up, I'm pretty sure he's a sociopath or has some kind of God complex. He went into the Marines right after high school, married a stripper he knew for 2 weeks his first year in. Divorced her, and then moved a girl we went to high school to base with him against the advice of everyone he knew. It was pretty obvious to all outsiders that her plan was to get pregnant, get married, and then live happily ever after as a SAHM with a military paycheck. That's exactly what happened minus the marriage, btw. Now they have an 18-month-old son (we think, as she's cheated on him 5 times that we KNOW of) and are splitting up, again, because she's bored and screwing a married man with 3 kids. This is after she came to my mother in July and told her she was cheating on Jeff then, but wasn't leaving him until she had her own car and was better financially. Seriously, I couldn't make this shit up.
Jeff hasn't had much to do with the rest of the family (much to my delight) in the past several months because we refused to have anything to do with his girlfriend after the whole "I'm cheating on your son/brother, but don't tell him because I'm going to use him until I can support myself." Obviously we informed him, and he chose to stay with her and cut himself off from us since we made it clear that none of us were going to continue helping him financially as long as he was supporting her (she's worked a total of 3 months, maybe, in the 2 years they've been together). Once he realized he could no longer use anyone, he was done with us. Now that she's leaving him, he wants to move back in with my mom and will be present at Christmas this year. Since Jeff made Christmas 2008 pretty miserable, I think it's safe to say I'm not the only one dreading this. Our grandmother was taken to the hospital Christmas day, and passed 5 days later from complications of COPD. During that time, Jeff decides to have my mother's home searched for drugs at midnight.. scaring the shit out of my son and my nephew, and then telling them the police will be taking them away. My mom comes home from the hospital to deal with it, and by the time the police leave (nothing was in the house obviously) and she makes it back to the hospital, Mammaw's not recognizing anyone. The kicker? He did it because the kids were watching a movie (I was doing whatever to keep them calm) so he couldn't watch Tropic Thunder at the precise moment he wanted. Again, I couldn't make this shit up. Spending another Christmas with him is not something I'm looking forward to. At all. Especially since my brother is famous for pretending nothing is wrong, and I just don't roll that way. He's going to try his "I wuv you sissy" shit, and I'm going to break his face.
This will be the second Christmas without my Mammaw, and I miss her so much. It wasn't really Christmas until Mammaw made her strawberry bread and all her candies, and she always went nuts with it. She did it almost every holiday, but Christmas was her favorite. I spent the last year I had with her learning as many of her recipes as I could so that I could continue her tradition. All the baking and candy-making is actually calming because it feels like she's still here, still a part of Christmas. This year, I haven't made the first batch of peanut butter balls or strawberry bread because of my diet. I still plan to make some this week, but a lot less of it. I'd planned on substituting a lot of the ingredients for healthier versions, but I just can't. I'm making it the way she taught me, even if that means I won't be enjoying any of it.
Basically, my whole family is crazy. And I'll probably have to be medicated to get through this week. Buspar for everyone! I was really hoping typing all this out would make me feel better, but nope. Hopefully Debbie Downer is gone tomorrow, and it would be really awesome if she took the chest cold with her! :)